Day 16

Started Today On: Page 177
Ended On: Page 182
Pages Read Today: 5

Doubt took center stage today.

I questioned a lot that I know I won’t tomorrow, and saw this series through a shade of blue. I wondered if some efforts were in vain in certain spheres of my life, and whether I had overestimated where things would lead in others. As for this blog, I simply doubted the initial idea of making it a daily format. An old friend mentioned it would be overbearing and stunt its growth. I trust her. I worried.

Between work, the annual event that marked the culmination of years of time and dedication, and the fact that I’m in a period of transition into a new rhythm, I haven’t had time to read. Five pages. I read the first one twice, the next one four times. I knew better than to insist. My mind wasn’t there. It wasn’t anywhere, but it wasn’t there.

In hindsight, leaving my copy of The Unwilding at home again this morning should have told me how the day was going to unfold. I knew the event would shape my mood, and by the time it ended, I knew I wasn’t getting much more reading done.

Sitting through it, I finally felt the disappointment I’d been keeping at arm’s length for years. I let it sit with me because I knew it would be one of the last times I’d feel it. Part of the change I’m making is because of that feeling, and because of what caused it in the first place.

I don’t think I’ll miss the feeling of unfulfilled potential, or dedicating myself to a place that rightfully asked me not to. But I will look back on this stage of my life fondly, and that feeling will keep the memory from softening into nostalgia.

I’ve absolutely adored every second of this chapter, but I never stopped thinking about the career I first moved here for. In the nine years I remained after finishing the degree that brought me here, that career was my lodestar. I’ve been measuring my life against a direction I never stopped caring about, and today deserved a day to say goodbye (the real last day is next week but I won’t mention the topic anymore).